I think I may have stumbled onto a conspiracy. I'm sending this question into the ether and I'm hoping someone will tell me the truth. Has anyone ever survived menopause? Don't lie to me. I think this may be a pod person thing. Or...no! More like a Stepford Wives thing! Yes! I think that may be it. Here is my theory. We, as woman, are relatively safe when we're younger because we're relatively stable. Hey...I said relatively. Then we get pregnant and we turn into crazed hormonal weapons of mass destruction, BUT we are still safe because of the baby! The average man might WANT to kill us, but they have a soft spot for babies. Then for the next several years, the couple are so busy raising kids that the men go into a survival mode and won't risk killing their wives because they don't want to end up raising the kids alone.
The danger starts when we aren't in a 'delicate' condition and our children are grown, effectively eliminating any stumbling blocks that would keep a man from blissful freedom and peace and quiet. Things may go smoothly for a while; sometimes as long as a decade or more, but then it happens. The hot flashes, the cold sweats, the mood swings, the homicidal tendencies...and there we are...exposed without cover! When we wake up in the morning and immediately start snarling at our husbands about transgressions and misdemeanors they committed 20 years ago, there is nothing to stop them from plotting our gruesome and grisly demise. No pregnancy, no children to raise on their own. Just peace...
This is where the Stepford wives thing comes in. There has to be some secret society that is replacing us with calm and sane robots when our husbands snap and can finally take no more. I know this because I've seen them. Society calls them "Post menopausal women". Come on. I've been pre-menopausal for like 10 years. You can't tell me this process ever actually ends. Haven't you ever met the replacements? They are the happy, contented, sane women over 60 that act like they don't even know what a hot flash feels like. That's not even possible! They CAN'T be human.
I woke up this morning and started snarling before I had even opened my eyes. I could hear myself launching into a tirade about some heinous crime that Derek had committed IN MY DREAM and I couldn't even stop myself! I was ready to shoot me, so I KNOW Derek was fighting awfully hard to resist the urge. I don't know how much longer I can hang in there. More importantly, I don't know how much longer Derek can hang on. As I was getting dressed something occurred to me that I hadn't thought of before. Derek has been spending a lot more time at the shooting range lately...I tried really hard to put on my prettiest smile and made him an extra special lunch to take to work...just in case.
2 comments:
Ha! You rock! I just read this out loud to m'honey...he laughed just a little too hard at some of that)0: Lol(0; I do, however, have a solution to your problem! Distance makes the heart grow fonder! Come visit me! You can have our bed as Autumn is pretty much sleeping through the night (except for that 4:30 wake up...*sigh...*) and help me figure out how to decorate more (I've been having some fun(0: ) and playing with Eden who misses you terribly and Thanked Heavenly Father for you in family prayer. I don't blow glass...but we can break it! I may not have Delice, but Autumn makes a mean tortilla! And what we lack in a lovely koi pond we will soon make up for in super cool aquarium. See? So much fun to be had(0: I love you! *Smooch!*
ROTF(of my cube)L. It is a good thing I won't have to go through this menopause thing of which you speak. Sounds dangerous ;0)
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