I am confused by the twenty-first century. I never know what
to do or how to act because half the stuff out there is twentieth century stuff
and the other half is twenty-first century stuff. For instance, I can't count
how often I have stood with my hands under the faucet in a public restroom
waiting for the water to magically spring forth (twenty-first century style),
only to realize that it was a twentieth century faucet and that I must first
turn a knob or pull up a handle. "How quaint", I mutter to myself
self-consciously as I glance furtively around the room to make sure that no one
has witnessed my faux pas.
How about doors? What's the longest you have stood in front
of a door before you finally realized that you were going to have to push it
open with your own hands? Manually! How barbarically twentieth century!! Has it
occurred to anyone yet that we might not have such an obesity problem if we had
to push on a door once in a while? Well...that and got rid of Little Debbie's.
You might be interested to know that back in the 60's when Star Trek first came
into being, those automated doors that the crew always went through didn't
exist. They were automated by two guys standing behind sliding doors who would
hopefully hear their cue to pull open the doors before Kirk and Spock barreled
headlong into them and gave themselves a concussion. William Shatner once
admitted to hating those doors because he always had to stride confidently
towards them and just hope that someone would pull them open in time.
I submit that the more automated devices we invent to do
everything for us, the quicker we will turn into those 'grays' of science
fiction fame; the ones with the huge heads and huge eyes and ridiculously long
computer compatible fingers, but skinny little withered bodies incapable of
pushing open a door or manually flushing a toilet! I say that now is the time
to rage against the storm! Rebel now before it is too late!
I would like to suggest that every time we walk through a
door that opens for us automatically, we should drop and do twenty push-ups to
compensate for the lack of physical exertion foisted upon us by technology.
I would also like to address the rather delicate matter of
automatic flushing toilets. Firstly, when I am completely finished, I would be
happy to flush the toilet manually. I really do not need it randomly flushing
itself six or seven times before I am done. If I want a bidet, I will buy one.
Secondly, isn't there some twenty-first century technician who could reset
those automatic flushing toilets so that the water doesn't erupt from the bowl
like Old Faithful while you are still sitting there? I am not three. I can
decide when the toilet is in need of flushing. If you ARE three, then ask your
mommy.
I could rant on. Automatic paper towel dispensers...those
air hand driers that range from an anemic puff of breeze that takes ten minutes
to dry your hands to the ones that rate a 5 on the Fujita scale for tornados. I'm
sorry, but I want a paper towel. I know that I should probably be more appreciative
of modern technology and all those modern wonders that do everything for us,
but really...I'm okay with a little manual labor. A little...manual labor. Now
if they want to invent something that will do my dishes and scrub my kitchen
for me, then we'll talk.
